Each of Us

To think of every life that has passed

Every life that is passing

Timelines intertwined

Every pain, hope, astounding joy

And to think if you combined all of those feelings

Pooled them together

Each quivering orb

Would it not make the earth tremble

Against the vast blackness of the universe?

Yet motion allows stillness

And between each throb 

Is each of us

Holding our breath

Looking up beyond the stars

And in a flicker of light,

We’re gone.

Angel

An angel lay 

Bathed in cold moonlight

I breathed the warmth of my kisses

So it might permeate her skin 

And make it glow.

Her eyelids flickered

Like those stars 

Blinking faraway greetings of goodnight

And I know if they’d been open

They would fill my soul with light.

Oh soft rhythms guide my feet 

Soft rhythms lead me home

If each beat be a step

And your heart is mine
Then I will walk with you

Until the day I die.

Love Mist

I think i love you

But thoughts can be ignored,

Like a blurry cloud,

If i stare just right at the sky,

In your eyes,

It will disappear.

And I know I cannot kiss you.

I don’t dare shatter

The iridescent bubble of friendship

Ink stained with deceit

For then we’ll see things clearly

And walk our ways alone

For the mist no longer keeps us.

I couldn’t meet up yesterday because I was disintegrating

I couldn’t meet up yesterday 

because I was disintegrating

like an orange peel

exchanging its soul with the earth

I laid there still

waiting for the ground

to drink me in.

God's voice

Once I was a sailor
Sailed to a faraway land
With salt in the air
And liquorice sand
I could hear God's voice there
In the whistling winds
And the waves that washed the shore
In the flutters of the leaves
And the echoes of birds' calls.
But most of all God spoke to me in the silence
In the gaps between
In the vastness before me
He filled every edge of the canvas
No matter how far I turned
So that my whole being was overwhelmed by sunlight.
And I smiled at each sparkle on the ocean's surface
Collected them like treasure to fill my heart
So that I never need look outside the walls of my being to see beauty
For from this moment I'll never part.

The days peel slowly

The days peel slowly
Like a grey plaster
And each day I feel rawer and rawer
Thrust into the light
When all I'd like is to hide.
I know I'll have to feel the pain eventually
But for now let me pretend that the wounds and the world don't exist.

Walk through the park

Everything is so still
Trees poised
Like the set of a play
And we humans are the actors
Immersing ourselves in a fantasy scape

Layer upon layer of feathered green
The leaves stretching out to reach us
The white sky shimmering as those paper cut branches sail by
Against the serene sea of my mind.

Morning Commute

The sky looks like my sheets
When I peered through them blurrily this morning
Or like an ocean of white
Tides paused in motion.
I felt the rumble of a storm on the horizon
Sea air sweeping my face,
Before I boarded my train.

the discomfort of comfort eating

these cheeks 

like saddles on both sides of an ass-like face

they weigh on me where i go

its fine

I’m not charlotte right now

I’m fat charlotte

this is what fat charlotte would do

yeah stuff another ice cream in between those ass-cheeks 

my willpower drained away long ago

replaced by lazing oozing lipids

dripping down my veins

spread out beneath the lines of my skin

with a smug smile 

hateful dimples to match

sneering from the sides of my thighs

splaying out and watching gleefully

sugary sin pass through my lips

cherry a-top a soft roll

so long old friend: self-control

disarmed by lack of charm

Your awkwardness is disarming

You take my cloak of self-assuredness

And drop it

clumsily

on the floor. 

bite me

Theres nothing better than talking without words

your gaze caught me like a fly in a web

and every time i wanted to crawl back 

to be again entangled by those magnetic spindles. 

if from my image you could be fed

I'd put myself on the bullseye

ready to be predated by those pupils, black

give me your tongue too

I'll quench your thirst

now lets wait and see

who will bite who first.

Spines Intertwined

Spines intertwined

I gasp as your velour brushes mine

Two humans in gods intended form

My ear with your kisses adorned.

Maokong

we howled like feral children

and the constructs of society

with our voices

were swept away with the wind.

in that moment we lost an element of civility 

because civilisation is what keeps us all looking through the same window

forgetting to try and see

what might be on the other side.

That’s what that place did to us

that dark surface of the moon

overlooking immeasurable sparks and glimmers

mankind’s ominous mark

reminding us we’d have to return to 

turning the wheels of the world

but for now

this place was ours

it enveloped us in its soft darkness

the scent of the earth’s hair 

we nuzzled it with inquisitive minds.

as we walked through the entrails of this place,

we realised we had been here all along.

The imagined life

sometimes id rather imagine life than live it

like watching it through a screen

the lights seem less harsh

looking through frosted glass

its too stimulating, too exciting to actually live

instead let those images dance before my eyes 

let my mind manipulate the flow of reality

the path of unknown 

unpredictable as english weather

id rather not leave the house then

because what if i needed a jacket when i thought I didn’t

what a calamity

no no

better not risk it

in the reality show

reflected against the screen of my mind

it can always be sunny if i want

even if i miss those warm rays stroking my neck

at least I’ll always be sheltered from the storms

no no

better not risk it

ill stay right here watching my shows

Noise

do you see how i fill the room with noise

it smothers the buzz that is always there

trailing around my forehead

hiding beneath the line of my hair

stinging my scalp

ruthlessly piercing holes

so drop by drop bits of me fall out.

the Force of Love

it tingles in my cheeks

creased eyes

like a forcefield you pull my gaze

curled lips

crumpled nose

i have to look away

and when i look back there they are

two eclipsed moons

earnestly shining against the dank world

how fitting

that you orbit around the globe of my mind

from the golden dawn

until colour drains

by and by you float on my ocean

the ocean which never obeys

as every time you come near

the water plays havoc

spins me round and round

when you’re near

each cell presses against the edge of my skin

pull me closer

let me bathe in the light you bring.

I collect each word you say and keep them in a jar

Those words you mindlessly said

Play over and over in my head

I fervently cling to them

Use them to cushion my weary head

Build a play fort which against the cotton walls

Projects images of you

In my mind I dance with your shadows

Convince myself that your smile was painted just for me

But when the projections tremble and fade

I am alone

Those words you mindlessly said

Sprinkled them into the air without a care

You would never imagine that I would collect them like petals to keep in a jar

Until they turn brown and rot
So you would not recognise them if I showed you again.

Spring is here

Spring is here

A pink mist flutters above the trees

Earth takes in her long awaited breath

As the flowing brooks tumble softly down her back

The petal strewn winds dance freely

The crystal voices of our feathered sopranos
twinkle beneath the sky

Daffodils bow their crowned heads

Spring is here

I smile

And with Earth breathe in

My heart dancing with the breeze

Ready to sing the first song of spring

Frozen in his image

He never had a way with words
Couldn't warm people's hearths with a wry smile and flick of the tongue
He in fact often had an awkwardness that made my skin crawl
That's because I could feel those little militant bugs laying down the scales of my sleepwalking self
Those insects that always arrive to carry out this ritual as the days shed away like skin
And the solid demeanour I practice begins to thaw
I hated him because in him I saw my zombified self and it made me shudder
Surely by some law of environmental forces it is he who made me this way
IT IS HIS FAULT
The anger and pain that I hold inside a little jar
Which I do not even feel deserving to say I keep
As surely they will accuse me of never having tasted the bitter jam of grief
But maybe I'm wrong
And nobody actually cares like they never do
When you feel eyes on you like an awful itch
But you look to find that people's glares are in fact attached to the air and not you.
But I've gone on a tangent haven't I
As I always do
I was saying that I hated him
But then I don't
My principles tell me I don't
Because my principles tell me that I hate no-one
Even though I sometimes hate myself
To be honest I'm rather tired
I often get tired like this
Maybe that's why I stay indoors so my slumber coffin is never too far away
But I do give an offering to the gods everyday
An offering of brilliant light and warmth that makes the coldest fingers feel like they never parted from the suns embrace
A glimmer that twinkles a thousand times in the turquoise galaxy of the sea
Of which studs onto your heart to feel a twang of serene contentment even when you've come back from that dreamlike scape
This gem I offer to those gods
In return for the guarantee that I can feel so very still
That no ripple be born of the earth as to force me to move one toe
That my face will be porcelain that doesn't crease
But even so the edges of the eyes trickle down and down like stagnant sap as the days drip like blood from a nose
Blood from a nose
And grey toes
Closed blinds
And peeking into the light
Hangover caused by the alcohol of insomnia
Staying in the drowsy drunken state
Staying in.

He's sick

He's sick
And I'm a selfish bitch
For thinking my time is my own
But pray argue with the thing that demands I give it all my minutes
That I must confine to my room to carry out its bidding
Of thinking thoughts that go around and around
But what an excuse
To deem an invisible creature
The perpetrator of your squalid ways
Surely you can just blink and it will go away
Or some wishing or willing will do
How dare you even imply that it is a being that need be argued with
How dare you
Poor insignificant child
But surely whilst you were in your coop
Thinking of how you could do great things with your many tomorrows
Could you not also think how he might not be here.